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vapour.in.the.wind

my life as me

A Year 2 kid got bullied into cutting his own tongue yesterday. can't even bear to look at his picture people shared. since when do the little ones know how to commit such heinous act?
am extremely touched by this dance and the spoken poetry today. say NO to bullying!


To This Day
by Shane Koyzcan

When I was a kid
I used to think that pork chops and karate chops
were the same thing
I thought they were both pork chops
and because my grandmother thought it was cute
and because they were my favourite
she let me keep doing it
not really a big deal
one day
before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees
I fell out of a tree
and bruised the right side of my body
I didn’t want to tell my grandmother about it
because I was afraid I’d get in trouble
for playing somewhere that I shouldn’t have been
a few days later the gym teacher noticed the bruise
and I got sent to the principal’s office
from there I was sent to another small room
with a really nice lady
who asked me all kinds of questions
about my life at home
I saw no reason to lie
as far as I was concerned
life was pretty good
I told her “whenever I’m sad
my grandmother gives me karate chops”
this led to a full scale investigation
and I was removed from the house for three days
until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises
news of this silly little story quickly spread through the school
and I earned my first nickname
pork chop
to this day
I hate pork chops
I’m not the only kid
who grew up this way
surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we’d be lonely forever
that we’d never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there’s no way for it to metastasize
it does
she was eight years old
our first day of grade three
when she got called ugly
we both got moved to the back of the class
so we would stop get bombarded by spit balls
but the school halls were a battleground
where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day
we used to stay inside for recess
because outside was worse
outside we’d have to rehearse running away
or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there
in grade five they taped a sign to her desk
that read beware of dog
to this day
despite a loving husband
she doesn’t think she’s beautiful
because of a birthmark
that takes up a little less than half of her face
kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer
that someone tried to erase
but couldn’t quite get the job done
and they’ll never understand
that she’s raising two kids
whose definition of beauty
begins with the word mom
because they see her heart
before they see her skin
that she’s only ever always been amazing
he
was a broken branch
grafted onto a different family tree
adopted
but not because his parents opted for a different destiny
he was three when he became a mixed drink
of one part left alone
and two parts tragedy
started therapy in 8th grade
had a personality made up of tests and pills
lived like the uphills were mountains
and the downhills were cliffs
four fifths suicidal
a tidal wave of anti depressants
and an adolescence of being called popper
one part because of the pills
and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty
he tried to kill himself in grade ten
when a kid who still had his mom and dad
had the audacity to tell him “get over it” as if depression
is something that can be remedied
by any of the contents found in a first aid kit
to this day
he is a stick on TNT lit from both ends
could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends
in the moments before it’s about to fall
and despite an army of friends
who all call him an inspiration
he remains a conversation piece between people
who can’t understand
sometimes becoming drug free
has less to do with addiction
and more to do with sanity
we weren’t the only kids who grew up this way
to this day
kids are still being called names
the classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
seems like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
and if a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
every school was a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded ladies
oddities
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was practice
and yeah
some of us fell
but I want to tell them
that all of this shit
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
“they were wrong”
because maybe you didn’t belong to a group or a click
maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth
to show and tell but never told
because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong
they have to be wrong
why else would we still be here?
we grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
because we see ourselves in them
we stem from a root planted in the belief
that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
don’t worry
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from the class of
fuck off we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying out
names will never hurt me
of course
they did
but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain

hey.

thattt close to suffer from seizure attack. jkjkjk. life's in fast forwardx3 mode nowadays. we're like rushing in between assignments, chaos-ing between group presentations and sprinting from classes to research and room only to calm the headache and stiffness resulted from it all.

we're forced to clear a few gigantic hurdles with a leap.

my legs are so short. hmm.

i feel the heat. burn, baby burn. hahahah.

90/10.

must shift focus from the calamity to the One who holds it all.

dddance in the storms.

<3

#mylifeasateachertrainee
#sem8PISMPJan2012
#soldiering on
 Let no one say the past is dead.
The past is all about us and within.
Haunted by tribal memories, I know
This little now, this accidental present
Is not the all of me, whose long making
Is so much of the past.

Tonight here in suburbia as I sit
In easy chair before electric heater,
Warmed by the red glow,
I fall into dream:
I am away
At the camp fire in the bush, among
My own people, sitting on the ground,
No walls about me,
The stars over me,
The tall surrounding trees that stir in the wind
Making their own music,
Soft cries of the night coming to us, there
Where we are one with all old
Nature's lives
Known and unknown,
In scenes where we belong but have now forsaken.
Deep chair and electric radiator
Are but since yesterday,

But a thousand thousand camp fires in the forest
Are in my blood.
Let none tell me the past is wholly gone.
Now is so small a part of time, so small a part
Of all the race years that have moulded me.
stumbled upon beth's blog. one of the greatest advice i've ever had and will ever have.
looking forward to go back and see her and the rest of the pack.
miss you all.

http://betty-ranggie.blogspot.com/2012/08/letter-for-my-friends.html
mental block.
grr.
i have something to write about but couldn't materialise it on a paper ( / Word doc).
so i'm just internet walking browsing through random stuff.
wanted to check out some vids on Youtube been dying to do my research about a certain people / song recommended by people but yeah.
campus' wifi says no.

my brain (heart?) is like 'tadaa' with ideas but i think the neurons connecting my thoughts to my fingers aren't functioning today.

so yeah.

lemme just talk about my fav people on the net. ho. (boredom strikes again, that's why. haha!)

source of inspiration:
mostly from FB pages. i'm drawn to poetry so my newsfeed is filled with them. i love:
Lang Leav
Alpha (c)
Serephina the Siren
Writer Jay Long
Button Poetry
Michael Faudet
Maya Angelou

well those are the notable ones. but basically i love random stuffs from random sites. for instance:
ChrisCrocker (omg this guy is like the most random guy ever!)
JennaMarbles
Buzzfeed
Jared Singer
ianandlarissa (:'))))

anddd i don't have the mood to type anymore. haha. but yeah.
wanted to share this piece i discovered just now.
a simple one but crazy profound!

Perfect Ending

Under the glow of a corner streetlight 
an old man stares into the dark heavens
thinking back on his life
the joy he shared
the hearts he broke
the tears he cried
the smiles he couldn’t contain
during moments of pure bliss
thankful for each one
for every choice that turned him
down paths he never thought to take
grasping on to a notebook
each page filled with miles
from days he thought would never end
the laughter and love created with his words
one simple thought wouldn’t leave his mind
somewhere in his travels
had he made a difference
when he finally left this world
would he be remembered as a poem or a poet
© Copyright, Jay Long 2015

and here's a random picture. good day, people. aha!

took another personality test. three times. hahahahah! the first one, i got ISFP, the second INFP. both with borderline S/N scores. so i guess the third one is the most accurate?
spiking boredom. yikes.


Shrinking Women
Across from me at the kitchen table, my mother smiles over red wine that she drinks out of a measuring glass.
She says she doesn’t deprive herself,
but I’ve learned to find nuance in every movement of her fork.
In every crinkle in her brow as she offers me the uneaten pieces on her plate.
I’ve realized she only eats dinner when I suggest it.
I wonder what she does when I’m not there to do so.
Maybe this is why my house feels bigger each time I return; it’s proportional.
As she shrinks the space around her seems increasingly vast.
She wanes while my father waxes. His stomach has grown round with wine, late nights, oysters, poetry. A new girlfriend who was overweight as a teenager, but my dad reports that now she’s “crazy about fruit.”
It was the same with his parents;
as my grandmother became frail and angular her husband swelled to red round cheeks, round stomach
and I wonder if my lineage is one of women shrinking
making space for the entrance of men into their lives
not knowing how to fill it back up once they leave.
I have been taught accommodation.
My brother never thinks before he speaks.
I have been taught to filter.
“How can anyone have a relationship to food?” He asks, laughing, as I eat the black bean soup I chose for its lack of carbs.
I want to tell say: we come from difference, Jonas, 
you have been taught to grow out
I have been taught to grow in
you learned from our father how to emit, how to produce, to roll each thought off your tongue with confidence, you used to lose your voice every other week from shouting so much
I learned to absorb
I took lessons from our mother in creating space around myself
I learned to read the knots in her forehead while the guys went out for oysters
and I never meant to replicate her, but
spend enough time sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits
that’s why women in my family have been shrinking for decades.
We all learned it from each other, the way each generation taught the next how to knit
weaving silence in between the threads
which I can still feel as I walk through this ever-growing house,
skin itching,
picking up all the habits my mother has unwittingly dropped like bits of crumpled paper from her pocket on her countless trips from bedroom to kitchen to bedroom again, 
Nights I hear her creep down to eat plain yogurt in the dark, a fugitive stealing calories to which she does not feel entitled.
Deciding how many bites is too many
How much space she deserves to occupy.
Watching the struggle I either mimic or hate her,
And I don’t want to do either anymore
but the burden of this house has followed me across the country
I asked five questions in genetics class today and all of them started with the word “sorry”.
I don’t know the requirements for the sociology major because I spent the entire meeting deciding whether or not I could have another piece of pizza
a circular obsession I never wanted but
inheritance is accidental
still staring at me with wine-stained lips from across the kitchen table.
                – Lily Myers
-credit:Button Poetry


"...Love is knowing that sometimes your words will never be enough, that your heartbeat will never be enough. Love is knowing that sometime you’re going to have to rely on someone else’s beat to make your story work...

...Love can only be described the way it is lived, in parts, hoping that the whole makes sense…Love is a cold & broken Hallelujah.

...The heart is a terrible metaphor for love. All of you please stop using it! Delete every poem with it in it. Love, is not a muscle. It cannot atrophy from lack of use. Love isn't an organ, it cannot always sneak up on you. The lungs are a much better metaphor for love. Please, always use them. At inhales the moment our excitement you feel when you first meet someone new. The exhale is that moment of hate we all fear we will feel if this does not workout but that moment between breath when your body could be anything, that....THAT.... is love..." (*breathes)


this is by far my favoritest of all his mind blowing pieces... it's like it made my brain explode with thoughts and excitements. it made clap like a mad sea whale. made my heart flip countless times. blessed by his inspiration. arghhh beyond words!

Dear Samantha,
I’m sorry, we have to get a divorce.
I know that seems like an odd way
to start a love letter, but let me explain.
Its not you,
it’s definitely not me,
it’s just, human beings don’t love
as well as insects do.

I love you far too much to let what we have
be ruined by the failings of our species.
So instead,
I’m going to leave you now,
while I can still remember you fondly.
I saw the way you looked at the waiter last night,
I know you would never do anything,
you never do, but still I
saw the way you looked at the waiter last night.

Did you know that when a female fly
accepts the pheromones put off by a male
It rewrites the way her brain works,
destroys the receptors for pheromones.
Sensing the change, the male fly does the same.
When flies love each other,
they do it so hard,
that they can never love anything else ever again.
if either one dies before procreation
both sets of genetic code are lost forever.
Now that is dedication.

After breaking up with Elizabeth
we spent three days dividing
everything we had bought together
like if I knew which pots were mine,
like if I knew which drapes were mine,
the pain would go away.

When two praying mantises mate,
the nervous system of the male
begins to shut down.
While he still has control over his motor functions,
he flips onto his back
exposing his soft underbelly to his lover like a gift.
She then proceeds to lovingly
and I do mean lovingly
 dice him into tiny pieces
which she  shoves carefully into mouth
wasting not a single morsel,
even the exoskeleton must go.
She does this so that
so that when their children are born
she has a first meal to regurgitate to feed them.
Now that is dedication.

I could never do that for you.
So I have a new plan.
I plan on spending the rest of my life committing petty injustices.
I will jaywalk at every opportunity
I will steal things I could easily afford
I will be rude to strangers
I hope you will do the same.
I hope reincarnation is real.
I hope that these petty crimes cause me to be reborn as a lesser creature.
I hope we are reborn as flies.
So that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

lesson 1: Anti-personnel mines are the only piece of military hardware not constantly upgraded. This is because they are intended to be weapons of fear and chaos. Making them too modern would cause them to kill too effectively. There are two schools of thought on creating the perfect land mine: one, is to only maim your target forcing their friends to come to their rescue putting themselves at risk. The second, is to create a mess so horrible you almost wish you had a friend bleeding to death in your arms instead of picking them out of your hair. Lovers can be a little like that. No matter how you lose them, be in a giant mess or a quiet moan, you always wish you could have them back. 


lesson 2: The only reason we have super glue is that it was originally intended as an emergency field suture to prevent our soldiers from bleeding to death. The project was a partial success. The compound kept soldiers from bleeding out the only problem: it poisoned their blood, killed them anyway. Romance can be a little like that: The fastest way to kill a relationship that isn't going too well is to try too hard to fix it.

lesson 3: When faced with a napalm bomb it is not the flame you need initially fear it's the moment of combustion itself. Creating that much fire uses up so much oxygen it can literally suck your lungs dry when you reflexively breathe back in. The incoming air will be super heated it will sear the inside of your lungs. This will be the last breath you ever take. Goodbyes are exactly like that. No matter how ready for them you think you are, they always catch you with your mouth open, leave you with a thousand things you still want to say. You will never get the chance.

sharing my latest poetry craze. one word- MIND BLOWING.

A Letter to SarahContemplating Super Powers
If I could regenerate any damage to my body,
I would double back flip belly flop
off the tallest building I could find.
I would make you watch.
Would not tell you it won’t kill me.
When my body hits the ground,
turns bone to dust,
when blood splatters across your face
there will be a moment
where your heart stops,
where the belly drops out of your everything.
I would calmly walk over to you and say
yeah, ever since you killed yourself
it’s been like that for all of us
All of the time.
If I could fly,
I would take you so high so fast
you would be terrified that wind resistance
alone would rip you out of my arms.
Don’t worry.
I would hold onto you with a strength
born of fear and longing.
When your vision starts to go black
I will whisper-
If you’d only told us something was wrong
we could’ve held you
told you we loved you.
We could have helped.
I would stop,
as the oxygen floods back into your brain
everything would come into focus.
I would tell you yeah,
every day was like that with you,
you always made sure
we saw the glory in front of us.
If I could read people’s minds,
I would not invade your privacy.
Instead I would eavesdrop on every passerby.
tattoo my arms with all the compliments,
every wow she’s good looking,
every I wish I was that confident.
Meeting all of your ex-lovers
would turn my chest and back into a masterpiece.
Record every thing they should have told you
every how could I have ever let her get away,
every she was the best thing that ever happened to me.
My legs would turn into patchwork with hatch marks
for every time I wished you were still with me.
It would not take a full day
to cover this body with all of the nice things people
didn’t think you needed to hear.
If I could travel through time,
I would go back to the moment
before it was too late.
Right before the moment you wrote a suicide note
that started Dear Jared:
I’m doing this now because I know you will be the one to find me
because of all of my friends I think you’re the one
whose strong enough to take it.
What made you think I was strong enough to take this?
I would go back to the moment before you
became the reason I don’t read letters
without having someone else proof read them first,
If I could project my thoughts in another’s heard,
even knowing it could never have saved you.
But believing maybe it could have saved me,
you would never have doubted,
even for an instant,
that you were loved.
Sarah’s Reply
 
For the man who found me after my suicide
Dear Jared:

I wish I could say I was sorry for what I did,
or at least for making you be the one to find me,
but I just don’t see the point in lying anymore.
I only have one question left,
Why is it taking you so long to join me.
Don’t you know why you are
so comfortable on Halloween
or during monster movies,
It’s because you see yourself in them.
Jared, I have never known some one
more like a zombie than you.
I don’t mean a B-rate special effects zombie
covered in fake blood moaning about brains.
I mean, how many times have you found yourself
shuffling slowly forward in search of something
you don’t even understand anymore.
Refusing to let anything stop you
wouldn’t it be easier
one single shot.
If you were a vampire, Jared,
would you even notice the difference.
When was the last time you looked in a mirror
and saw something you recognized.
They say that a day in the arms of a loved one
can feel like an instant.
The opposite is also true.
How long have these 23 years dragged on.
Does it feel like a lifetime yet,
Do you feel immortal yet.
You have always been my Frankenstein, Jared
built out of spare parts
by a half mad doctor
more concerned with creating life
than  potential consequences.
He gave you up for adoption.
You are so strong, Jared,
able to bear with your stitched together muscles
and your stitched together heart
more than any man was meant to.
When the villagers came
with pitchfork and torch for Frankenstein,
he ran. Why didn’t you run Jared?
Why did you stay, why weren’t you strong enough
To just let them burn.
You used to call me your guardian angel.
I think this is true now
our halos are forged of what makes us holy.
Mine is made of tiny spinning images of your face Jared.
of your belief in me.
My wings are formed out of every letter you wrote me
Even the one I pretended not to read.
You were always my second family Jared
Let me return the favor.
Follow my voice,
let me hold you like you used to hold me,
I am waiting.
I know it’s selfish,
but I hope it doesn’t take too long
I miss you.
 
one of those women with beautiful, beautiful mind
rest in peace, Maya...
"Thomas Wolfe warned in the title of America’s great novel that ‘You Can’t Go Home Again.’ I enjoyed the book but I never agreed with the title. I believe that one can never leave home. I believe that one carries the shadows, the dreams, the fears and dragons of home under one’s skin, at the extreme corners of one’s eyes and possibly in the gristle of the earlobe.
Home is that youthful region where a child is the only real living inhabitant. Parents, siblings, and neighbors, are mysterious apparitions, who come, go, and do strange unfathomable things in and around the child, the region’s only enfranchised citizen.
[…]
I am convinced that most people do not grow up. We find parking spaces and honor our credit cards. We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulation of years in our bodies and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are still innocent and shy as magnolias.
We may act sophisticated and worldly but I believe we feel safest when we go inside ourselves and find home, a place where we belong and maybe the only place we really do."
all my accounts are updated. some hasn't been updated since 3 years and i was like, whaaat dear me, you were so young and foolish. hahaha.

life happens and it happens so fast. 3 years ago was before some serious series of unfortunate events rolled in my life. 3 years hv gone by now, i'm still here.

the irony of life is the more stuffs break you, the more you become unbreakable.
i am scarred for life, and after everything was said and done, only Jesus can mend me.

actually now my heart is still in pieces of scattered specks. and i will let God's timing to finally make me whole again.

i wanted to leave this blog and i'm still considering it. i hv deleted some posts, because when it doesn't mean anything anymore, why let it stay? after all when it rots, the heart is the only one who's gonna suffer. and i hv had enough writing about him.

even so, i hope what we had was not in vain at all. even if we're not together now and not going to be together ever, at least my light could shine his way, someday somehow. let God be God.

i thank Him because i hv come to terms with this failure in almost no time. when it happened i thought it's gonna take years to forget him but yeah, i guess all those 3 years all i did was preparing myself for the day he finally, finally, finally leaves for good.

he's forgiven.

and these are my last words about him.

the next chapter of my story is unfolding swiftly. it's enthralling and frightening at the same time. i love this chapter so much! this time, i really hope this stranger that i just happened to know and became friend with would stay until the end of my story.

even so, teach me to always, always surrender all of me to You, Dad. it's You who i can't live without.
pray unceasingly, remember that yne.

thanks for the ride up to this point and up ahead, Dad. keep me on my toes for Your plans for me.

amen. love You, Big Dad. <3




Once there was a tree....
and she loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come
and he would gather her leaves
and make them into crowns and play king of the forest.
He would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree.... very much.
And the tree was happy. But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come
and climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches
and eat apples
and play in my shade
and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play" said the boy.
"I want to buy things
and have fun. I want some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree,
"but I have no money.
I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples, Boy,
and sell them in the city.
Then you will have money
and you will be happy."
And so the boy climbed up the tree
and gathered her apples
and carried them away.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time....
and the tree was sad.
And then one day the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy
and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches
and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife
and I want children,
and so I need a house.
Can you give me a house ?"
" I have no house," said the tree.
"The forest is my house,
but you may cut off my branches
and build a house".
Then you will be happy."
And so the boy cut off her branches
and carried them away to build his house.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back,
the tree was so happy she could hardly speak.
"Come, Boy," she whispered,
"come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play," said the boy.
"I want a boat that will take me far away from here.
Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk and make a boat," said the tree.
"Then you can sail away...
and be happy."
And so the boy cut down her trunk
and made a boat
and sailed away.
And the tree was happy ...
but not really.
And after a long time the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy,"
said the tree,
" but I have nothing left to give you - My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone," said the tree.
" You cannot swing on them - "
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone, " said the tree.
"You cannot climb - "
"I am too tired to climb" said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could give you something....
but I have nothing left.
I am just an old stump.
I am sorry...."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy.
"just a quiet place to sit
and rest. I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree,
straightening herself up as much as she could,
"well, an old stump is good for sitting
and resting.
Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.
And the tree was happ.y
life is like choosing between colour pencils, crayons n oil pastels. Why do i keep using colour pencils when i know i feel the happiest colouring with oil pastels? perhaps i'm waiting Your "go ahead with the oil pastels, my daughter. It is I who give you those. Work with it with all your heart, contently."
it is not the oil pastels who hv to be ready, but me, by forgetting about the dreaded colour pencils; as i lift my fingers to grab them. ummm, purple please.


dear good guy.
thanks for seeing my bright sides even when i don't believe they exist. thanks for being such a great friend who is always there for me. you know if i could, i would. :(
There is nothing in life that will make you stronger or screw you up more than heartbreak. I have only had my heart broken by one person in my life — and it was more than enough.
Falling in love with someone isn’t only falling in love with an incredible person, a person you find to be one of the best people in the world. It’s also falling in love with the person you become when you’re with the one you love.
Sometimes the person we love makes us want to be a person who isn’t especially great. But when your love does make you want to be a better person, what the two of you share has a real shot at lasting the test of time.
Yet, there’s still more to it than just that. Falling in love is also falling in love with what you believe to be your future. Most often, losing this is what hurts the most.
When you lose the love of your life, you lose a piece of yourself — the piece that holds you together. You lose the piece of you that makes you the good person you’ve become; you lose the piece of you that allows you to be you. So when your heart gets broken, you, too, in a sense, break.
As there are different depths to love, I believe there are different depths to heartbreak. It only makes sense that the shallowest of loves leaves the shallowest of cracks, while the deepest of loves causes our hearts to undergo a sort of shattering.
The heartbreak I’m speaking of in particular is of the deepest kind — the kind that only really happens once in a lifetime.
I say only once in a lifetime because once we experience such heartbreak, we are never again the same. We become different people, scarred and nerve-damaged. We begin to look at life and love through a different shade of glass.
We will never have our hearts broken in exactly the same manner, as we have lost the innocence that allowed for such vulnerability in the first place.
When you completely give your heart over to someone — body and soul — and the relationship doesn’t work out, you lose that heart. It doesn’t matter if things didn’t work out because of them or because you yourself screwed up. It doesn’t even matter if there’s no one to blame.
If you were certain that you would spend your lives together and have to face the reality that the future you have been looking forward to for so long has just been taken away from you, it’s going to hurt. A lot.
Sad to say, it’s not a pain that goes away quickly. It takes time to heal — and you will most definitely need some healing. More importantly, you’re going to need some fixing. Someone is going to need to take the pieces of you lying sprawled out across the ground, and put you back together. The question is: Who?
The answer is simple. Only one of three people in the world can fix you when you’re dealing with the aftermath of a broken heart. Either someone new who has yet to break your heart, that someone who did break your heart, or you — the one who had his or her heart broken.
Each one of those three options has its benefits, but also tradeoffs. Finding someone new to love is usually our go-to. Most people very strongly believe that finding a new love to take the place of the old one is the best way to go. And for a good reason — because it works.
If you fall in love with someone new, the pain from the old love goes away — at least for the time being. The problems with this are obvious. Finding someone new to love only works for as long as the love stays alive.
As soon as the love fades or the relationship fails, that heartbreak that you buried way back when will likely resurface. The only reason it wouldn’t resurface would be if you were dealing with the pain from novel heartbreak. New love trumps old love just as new heartbreak trumps old heartbreak.
Then we have the second option — getting back together with the person who broke you in the first place. I feel like I need to put some sort of disclaimer here:
Although it is possible for your old love to fix you, to mend your heart and to make you happier than you ever thought imaginable — 100 percent possible — it’s highly unlikely.
The person who broke you will almost never be the person who’ll fix you. Things always have a reason for not working out. Even if the reason is poor timing or lack of maturity, you are still carrying around a whole lot of baggage from the last time you two were together.
Once a relationship fails, it almost always fails every consecutive time. When you break someone’s heart, you lose that person’s trust.
If you don’t believe trust is the most important part of any relationship then you know absolutely nothing about relationships. Is trust re-gainable? Sometimes, I’m sure it is.
Depending on the circumstance, you may be able to get past all the broken promises, all the painful memories, all the unpleasant emotions that arise every so often almost out of the blue. But in other cases — most, even — the trust is gone for good.
Maybe the person who broke your heart can be the one to fix it… but the odds aren’t in your favor. Nothing is impossible, but going after the incredibly unlikely isn’t always in our best interest. Sometimes you have to accept that he or she will never again feel safe in your arms, and let him or her go.
It’s not always easy to move on. Sometimes, it seems impossible. But you need to believe you will find someone else to love when the time is right.
Statistically speaking, it’s almost impossible for there not to be another suitable match for you. Keep searching, be patient and you will find that person one day. Until that day comes, work on fixing yourself.
Love does as much damage as it does because we allow ourselves to wallow in that misery. We hone in on it and allow the painful thoughts and memories to fill our minds and to seep into all the nooks and crannies of our lives. We wait to be fixed and by doing so gradually become more and more broken.
You may be able to find someone to piece you back together, but there is only one person in the world who is guaranteed to do the job right. Only you can fix yourself the way you need to be fixed. Finding another lover can help, but it isn’t necessary.
Waiting to find someone new to love or waiting to get back with that one that got away is dumb. Maybe you will meet someone new one day.
Maybe you’ll get back together with the one who made you simultaneously happier and more miserable than you have ever been in your life. You can’t wait for someone else to motivate you to get your life straight.
Remember, one of the main reasons we’re capable of loving another person as much as we are, is how he or she makes us want to improve ourselves and the lives we lead. Other people never really fix you.
They only help you fix yourself. Be smart and fix yourself before you fall in love again. The better the person you are, the more likely you are to find your happily ever after.
from http://elitedaily.com/dating/person-broke-cant-one-fixes/920194/
or my Annual Dinner WITHOUT a dress. +.+"

shalom.

Annual Dinner is a dinner held annually (figures.duh.) by my college (IPG Kampus Batu Lintang) at prestigious hotels. This year, it's gonna be held at the recently launched Imperial Hotel which adjoins Boulevard Shopping Mall.

And so, the dinner is to be held next Tuesday. i have approximately 6 days to find a dress. Last week i went to KL hoping to find THE dress but my search was to no avail. i bought a skater skirt instead, forgetting that i have sent all my nice blouses and dresses home. huarghhhh! so i tried finding a dress online and yeah, found one or two that were pleasing to my eyes. but the dinner is next week and i am sure that it can't reach my hands within this week. huarghhh!

And so, the Annual Dinner committees (JPP 2014/1015) held our meeting this evening. Allan selected me as his partner to be the emcees for the night (!). i said yes since it would be great to emcee an event. in high school, i was an emcee since i was in Form 2 and since then, i have been invited to emcee several important functions in my school and outside. studying here, i haven't gotten the chance to do so since there are so many emcees already emceeing and they are much much much much better than me. however, since this 'thang' is my passion, i have secretly wishing to emcee a function here for years.uncanny, no? sobsss. hahaha.

So, Praise the Lord for this open door! couldn't wait to break some legs on the stage! (Usually people love being on the stage for singing, dancing, and other performances but me, i love talking.)

however, i still don't have any dress, remember? i thought i'd just go to the dinner wearing some jeans and blouse but now that the situation has completely changed, what am i gonna wear???

my budget is also very tight right now.
my parents are not here to support me with extra money.
sobsss.

anyways, my roommate suggested that i go to India Street to buy one. there's this rather large store that sells dresses. so the solution now is to go there a.s.a.p. nonetheless, i'm afraid that THE dress won't be there since i've searched the entire Berjaya Times Square, KL and didn't find any.

so now i'm praying that pretty please, dear my right dress, please make your appearance once i go tomorrow or the day after and don't hide from my sight. i really need you.

hmm. another thing that's bugging my mind is my makeup and accessories. last year's Annual Dinner has proven that i should not do my own makeup. and time is running out for me to really plan my outfit for THE night.

so, these are a few countermeasure that i've come up with:
1. ask youngest sister, Mit to come and do my makeup before the function starts. - but she's far away. so, unlikely.
2. plan, buy and do everything myself.- which means disaster baybeh.
3. go to a salon at Boulevard before the function starts.- i have just enough money to feed myself. so, most unlikely.
4. ask somebody to do my makeup.- but i'm shy. (believe me. i'm actually a shy person. hahaha)

OTTOKE???????

It's so hard being a woman. i mean, a woman without her own salary. or rich background. or makeup skills. or dressing skills.

but i have God that is greater than any of my obstacles. even in this seemingly trivial-but-i-assure-you-it's-really-the-least-trivial problem.

helppp!
Shalom.

Last weekend my hockey mates and i went to KL to participate Pesta Hoki IPGM 2014 (ke-9).  3 years ago if you were to tell me that i'd be IPBL hockey team's defense player i'd say, "nahhh. nay-verrr."

honestly, winning 3rd place for the tournament was an unexpected victory! God has worked His miracles and praise Him for that!

When Bam, Ajie & Saha recounted the history of Batu Lintang Hockey Club, i was almost brought to tears. Years before, these dudes fought hard for a place for us to play and also in maintaining the existence of this club.

i tell you, semangat pemain hoki sangat lain. i'm not mocking sportsperson in other fields but cinta terhadap hoki oleh semua pemain, for me, is very exemplary. As Sarawak Hockey team's coach said " semua orang boleh main bola sepak. semua orang boleh main bola jaring. semua orang boleh main bola tampar. tapi tak semua orang boleh main hoki." sobs.

in IPBL, we play hockey at an abandoned tennis court. The seniors told us that they were they ones who took care of the court. They removed the weeds with their bare hands, fixed the torn net, and cleaned the court all over. Every Tuesday we get to practice at Stadium Hoki Negeri, thanks to Mr. Dana's generosity. going to KL, we invested our own money. BLHC players who preceded us were so kind and gave us some money to cover our budget. Thus, we could afford to buy or pretty jerseys and BLHC club t-shirt (refer picture above).

we built the team based on friendship. no selection was needed cause we didn't hv enough players. i myself were also invited by my dear roommate Mayrone about a year ++ ago since they didn't hv enough players then. basically we never had enough players. hahahahaha. we'd trained amongst ourselves. boys vs girls. sometimes some of the boys became the girls' defenders due to the reason stated before.

when we received so much support, sacrificed every cent we had, and basically put everything on the line, we went with a huge boulder on our shoulders.

we seeked to prove ourselves. and with God's grace, we did it! our success might seem trivial to others but we fought with all our strength, sweats and blood. and so, ptL He has made us fruitful.

anyways, apart from the medal, i went back with scars and bruises and injury. i'm proud of them since they are the evidences that i gave my all. (actually, it showed how i haven't really mastered the game. better effort next time, heinny).

the next day after the tournament ended, we measured KL City. limping around, my joy overpowered my pain. we played games at Berjaya Times Square Theme Park and hang out at Suria KLCC entrance.

at night, Mayrone and i moved to IPBA to join JPP fellas cause the next morning we'd have our benchmarking at IPBA. that night i couldn't sleep since my nervous system was still affected by DNA mixer that i hv played in the morning. pfft.

in the morning, we had an early senamrobik session with IPBA's JPP and sem 6 teacher trainees. it was fun!

then, we had a formal meeting with IPBA's JPP.

by the time everything ended, i was so weary. even writing this made me more weary. sobsss.

and so, the point is, i had such a great time with great ppl. it was a refreshing feeling- to be able to go out of my circle and experience the love for hockey with equally passionate friends.

oh oh ohhh. one more thing. i really think the organiser should reflect on how they planned and executed the tournament. i suggest they follow the norms of grouping teams- by vote, not schedule it according to your own logics. no matter how you try to justify and how we look at it, it was wrong.
anyways, thanks for the hospitality... peace. <3
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