well, hello and umm, hi.
apparently i haven't posted anything original since a decayyyde ago. harhar. wrote a bit but yeah, when it's a no then it's a no.
gonna face my minor observation tomorrow. i feel all pumped up, hoyeh! currently there's this Hockey MSS competition going on. so we had a grrreat game with the coaches. feeling honoured.
something is missing, though.
can't help but whimper.
i wish i can hear the voices of my mom and dad and ask them to pray for me. i know they do, they always do. and i'll be 25 in a bit but when it comes to family, such times like this is the crucialest, to hear them telling me, "all the best." it could be merely routine wish for people, but when it comes to those who are dear to us, these, means a whole lot.
and
i miss him terribly.
"i'm on my guard for the rest of the world
But with you i know it's no good
And i could wait patiently but i really wish you would...
Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain."
apparently i haven't posted anything original since a decayyyde ago. harhar. wrote a bit but yeah, when it's a no then it's a no.
gonna face my minor observation tomorrow. i feel all pumped up, hoyeh! currently there's this Hockey MSS competition going on. so we had a grrreat game with the coaches. feeling honoured.
something is missing, though.
can't help but whimper.
i wish i can hear the voices of my mom and dad and ask them to pray for me. i know they do, they always do. and i'll be 25 in a bit but when it comes to family, such times like this is the crucialest, to hear them telling me, "all the best." it could be merely routine wish for people, but when it comes to those who are dear to us, these, means a whole lot.
and
i miss him terribly.
"i'm on my guard for the rest of the world
But with you i know it's no good
And i could wait patiently but i really wish you would...
Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain."
Shrinking Women
Across from me at the kitchen table, my mother smiles over red wine that she drinks out of a measuring glass.
She says she doesn’t deprive herself,
but I’ve learned to find nuance in every movement of her fork.
In every crinkle in her brow as she offers me the uneaten pieces on her plate.
I’ve realized she only eats dinner when I suggest it.
I wonder what she does when I’m not there to do so.
She says she doesn’t deprive herself,
but I’ve learned to find nuance in every movement of her fork.
In every crinkle in her brow as she offers me the uneaten pieces on her plate.
I’ve realized she only eats dinner when I suggest it.
I wonder what she does when I’m not there to do so.
Maybe this is why my house feels bigger each time I return; it’s proportional.
As she shrinks the space around her seems increasingly vast.
She wanes while my father waxes. His stomach has grown round with wine, late nights, oysters, poetry. A new girlfriend who was overweight as a teenager, but my dad reports that now she’s “crazy about fruit.”
As she shrinks the space around her seems increasingly vast.
She wanes while my father waxes. His stomach has grown round with wine, late nights, oysters, poetry. A new girlfriend who was overweight as a teenager, but my dad reports that now she’s “crazy about fruit.”
It was the same with his parents;
as my grandmother became frail and angular her husband swelled to red round cheeks, round stomach
and I wonder if my lineage is one of women shrinking
making space for the entrance of men into their lives
not knowing how to fill it back up once they leave.
as my grandmother became frail and angular her husband swelled to red round cheeks, round stomach
and I wonder if my lineage is one of women shrinking
making space for the entrance of men into their lives
not knowing how to fill it back up once they leave.
I have been taught accommodation.
My brother never thinks before he speaks.
I have been taught to filter.
“How can anyone have a relationship to food?” He asks, laughing, as I eat the black bean soup I chose for its lack of carbs.
I want to tell say: we come from difference, Jonas,
you have been taught to grow out
I have been taught to grow in
you learned from our father how to emit, how to produce, to roll each thought off your tongue with confidence, you used to lose your voice every other week from shouting so much
I learned to absorb
I took lessons from our mother in creating space around myself
I learned to read the knots in her forehead while the guys went out for oysters
and I never meant to replicate her, but
spend enough time sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits
My brother never thinks before he speaks.
I have been taught to filter.
“How can anyone have a relationship to food?” He asks, laughing, as I eat the black bean soup I chose for its lack of carbs.
I want to tell say: we come from difference, Jonas,
you have been taught to grow out
I have been taught to grow in
you learned from our father how to emit, how to produce, to roll each thought off your tongue with confidence, you used to lose your voice every other week from shouting so much
I learned to absorb
I took lessons from our mother in creating space around myself
I learned to read the knots in her forehead while the guys went out for oysters
and I never meant to replicate her, but
spend enough time sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits
that’s why women in my family have been shrinking for decades.
We all learned it from each other, the way each generation taught the next how to knit
weaving silence in between the threads
which I can still feel as I walk through this ever-growing house,
skin itching,
picking up all the habits my mother has unwittingly dropped like bits of crumpled paper from her pocket on her countless trips from bedroom to kitchen to bedroom again,
Nights I hear her creep down to eat plain yogurt in the dark, a fugitive stealing calories to which she does not feel entitled.
Deciding how many bites is too many
How much space she deserves to occupy.
We all learned it from each other, the way each generation taught the next how to knit
weaving silence in between the threads
which I can still feel as I walk through this ever-growing house,
skin itching,
picking up all the habits my mother has unwittingly dropped like bits of crumpled paper from her pocket on her countless trips from bedroom to kitchen to bedroom again,
Nights I hear her creep down to eat plain yogurt in the dark, a fugitive stealing calories to which she does not feel entitled.
Deciding how many bites is too many
How much space she deserves to occupy.
Watching the struggle I either mimic or hate her,
And I don’t want to do either anymore
but the burden of this house has followed me across the country
I asked five questions in genetics class today and all of them started with the word “sorry”.
I don’t know the requirements for the sociology major because I spent the entire meeting deciding whether or not I could have another piece of pizza
a circular obsession I never wanted but
And I don’t want to do either anymore
but the burden of this house has followed me across the country
I asked five questions in genetics class today and all of them started with the word “sorry”.
I don’t know the requirements for the sociology major because I spent the entire meeting deciding whether or not I could have another piece of pizza
a circular obsession I never wanted but
inheritance is accidental
still staring at me with wine-stained lips from across the kitchen table.
still staring at me with wine-stained lips from across the kitchen table.
– Lily Myers
-credit:Button Poetry
"...Love is knowing that sometimes your words will never be enough, that your heartbeat will never be enough. Love is knowing that sometime you’re going to have to rely on someone else’s beat to make your story work...
...Love can only be described the way it is lived, in parts, hoping that the whole makes sense…Love is a cold & broken Hallelujah.
...The heart is a terrible metaphor for love. All of you please stop using it! Delete every poem with it in it. Love, is not a muscle. It cannot atrophy from lack of use. Love isn't an organ, it cannot always sneak up on you. The lungs are a much better metaphor for love. Please, always use them. At inhales the moment our excitement you feel when you first meet someone new. The exhale is that moment of hate we all fear we will feel if this does not workout but that moment between breath when your body could be anything, that....THAT.... is love..." (*breathes)
this is by far my favoritest of all his mind blowing pieces... it's like it made my brain explode with thoughts and excitements. it made clap like a mad sea whale. made my heart flip countless times. blessed by his inspiration. arghhh beyond words!
Dear Samantha,
I’m sorry, we have to get a divorce.
I know that seems like an odd way
to start a love letter, but let me explain.
Its not you,
it’s definitely not me,
it’s just, human beings don’t love
as well as insects do.
I love you far too much to let what we have
be ruined by the failings of our species.
So instead,
I’m going to leave you now,
while I can still remember you fondly.
I saw the way you looked at the waiter last night,
I know you would never do anything,
you never do, but still I
saw the way you looked at the waiter last night.
Did you know that when a female fly
accepts the pheromones put off by a male
It rewrites the way her brain works,
destroys the receptors for pheromones.
Sensing the change, the male fly does the same.
When flies love each other,
they do it so hard,
that they can never love anything else ever again.
if either one dies before procreation
both sets of genetic code are lost forever.
Now that is dedication.
After breaking up with Elizabeth
we spent three days dividing
everything we had bought together
like if I knew which pots were mine,
like if I knew which drapes were mine,
the pain would go away.
When two praying mantises mate,
the nervous system of the male
begins to shut down.
While he still has control over his motor functions,
he flips onto his back
exposing his soft underbelly to his lover like a gift.
She then proceeds to lovingly
and I do mean lovingly
dice him into tiny pieces
which she shoves carefully into mouth
wasting not a single morsel,
even the exoskeleton must go.
She does this so that
so that when their children are born
she has a first meal to regurgitate to feed them.
Now that is dedication.
I could never do that for you.
So I have a new plan.
I plan on spending the rest of my life committing petty injustices.
I will jaywalk at every opportunity
I will steal things I could easily afford
I will be rude to strangers
I hope you will do the same.
I hope reincarnation is real.
I hope that these petty crimes cause me to be reborn as a lesser creature.
So that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.
lesson 1: Anti-personnel mines are the only piece of military hardware not constantly upgraded. This is because they are intended to be weapons of fear and chaos. Making them too modern would cause them to kill too effectively. There are two schools of thought on creating the perfect land mine: one, is to only maim your target forcing their friends to come to their rescue putting themselves at risk. The second, is to create a mess so horrible you almost wish you had a friend bleeding to death in your arms instead of picking them out of your hair. Lovers can be a little like that. No matter how you lose them, be in a giant mess or a quiet moan, you always wish you could have them back.
lesson 2: The only reason we have super glue is that it was originally intended as an emergency field suture to prevent our soldiers from bleeding to death. The project was a partial success. The compound kept soldiers from bleeding out the only problem: it poisoned their blood, killed them anyway. Romance can be a little like that: The fastest way to kill a relationship that isn't going too well is to try too hard to fix it.
lesson 3: When faced with a napalm bomb it is not the flame you need initially fear it's the moment of combustion itself. Creating that much fire uses up so much oxygen it can literally suck your lungs dry when you reflexively breathe back in. The incoming air will be super heated it will sear the inside of your lungs. This will be the last breath you ever take. Goodbyes are exactly like that. No matter how ready for them you think you are, they always catch you with your mouth open, leave you with a thousand things you still want to say. You will never get the chance.
sharing my latest poetry craze. one word- MIND BLOWING.
A Letter to SarahContemplating Super Powers
If I could regenerate any damage to my body,
I would double back flip belly flop
off the tallest building I could find.
I would make you watch.
Would not tell you it won’t kill me.
When my body hits the ground,
turns bone to dust,
when blood splatters across your face
there will be a moment
where your heart stops,
where the belly drops out of your everything.
I would calmly walk over to you and say
yeah, ever since you killed yourself
it’s been like that for all of us
All of the time.
If I could regenerate any damage to my body,
I would double back flip belly flop
off the tallest building I could find.
I would make you watch.
Would not tell you it won’t kill me.
When my body hits the ground,
turns bone to dust,
when blood splatters across your face
there will be a moment
where your heart stops,
where the belly drops out of your everything.
I would calmly walk over to you and say
yeah, ever since you killed yourself
it’s been like that for all of us
All of the time.
If I could fly,
I would take you so high so fast
you would be terrified that wind resistance
alone would rip you out of my arms.
Don’t worry.
I would hold onto you with a strength
born of fear and longing.
When your vision starts to go black
I will whisper-
If you’d only told us something was wrong
we could’ve held you
told you we loved you.
We could have helped.
I would stop,
as the oxygen floods back into your brain
everything would come into focus.
I would tell you yeah,
every day was like that with you,
you always made sure
we saw the glory in front of us.
I would take you so high so fast
you would be terrified that wind resistance
alone would rip you out of my arms.
Don’t worry.
I would hold onto you with a strength
born of fear and longing.
When your vision starts to go black
I will whisper-
If you’d only told us something was wrong
we could’ve held you
told you we loved you.
We could have helped.
I would stop,
as the oxygen floods back into your brain
everything would come into focus.
I would tell you yeah,
every day was like that with you,
you always made sure
we saw the glory in front of us.
If I could read people’s minds,
I would not invade your privacy.
Instead I would eavesdrop on every passerby.
tattoo my arms with all the compliments,
every wow she’s good looking,
every I wish I was that confident.
Meeting all of your ex-lovers
would turn my chest and back into a masterpiece.
Record every thing they should have told you
every how could I have ever let her get away,
every she was the best thing that ever happened to me.
My legs would turn into patchwork with hatch marks
for every time I wished you were still with me.
It would not take a full day
to cover this body with all of the nice things people
didn’t think you needed to hear.
I would not invade your privacy.
Instead I would eavesdrop on every passerby.
tattoo my arms with all the compliments,
every wow she’s good looking,
every I wish I was that confident.
Meeting all of your ex-lovers
would turn my chest and back into a masterpiece.
Record every thing they should have told you
every how could I have ever let her get away,
every she was the best thing that ever happened to me.
My legs would turn into patchwork with hatch marks
for every time I wished you were still with me.
It would not take a full day
to cover this body with all of the nice things people
didn’t think you needed to hear.
If I could travel through time,
I would go back to the moment
before it was too late.
Right before the moment you wrote a suicide note
that started Dear Jared:
I’m doing this now because I know you will be the one to find me
because of all of my friends I think you’re the one
whose strong enough to take it.
What made you think I was strong enough to take this?
I would go back to the moment before you
became the reason I don’t read letters
without having someone else proof read them first,
I would go back to the moment
before it was too late.
Right before the moment you wrote a suicide note
that started Dear Jared:
I’m doing this now because I know you will be the one to find me
because of all of my friends I think you’re the one
whose strong enough to take it.
What made you think I was strong enough to take this?
I would go back to the moment before you
became the reason I don’t read letters
without having someone else proof read them first,
If I could project my thoughts in another’s heard,
even knowing it could never have saved you.
But believing maybe it could have saved me,
you would never have doubted,
even for an instant,
that you were loved.
even knowing it could never have saved you.
But believing maybe it could have saved me,
you would never have doubted,
even for an instant,
that you were loved.
Sarah’s Reply
For the man who found me after my suicide
Dear Jared:
For the man who found me after my suicide
Dear Jared:
I wish I could say I was sorry for what I did,
or at least for making you be the one to find me,
but I just don’t see the point in lying anymore.
I only have one question left,
Why is it taking you so long to join me.
Don’t you know why you are
so comfortable on Halloween
or during monster movies,
It’s because you see yourself in them.
Jared, I have never known some one
more like a zombie than you.
I don’t mean a B-rate special effects zombie
covered in fake blood moaning about brains.
I mean, how many times have you found yourself
shuffling slowly forward in search of something
you don’t even understand anymore.
Refusing to let anything stop you
wouldn’t it be easier
one single shot.
more like a zombie than you.
I don’t mean a B-rate special effects zombie
covered in fake blood moaning about brains.
I mean, how many times have you found yourself
shuffling slowly forward in search of something
you don’t even understand anymore.
Refusing to let anything stop you
wouldn’t it be easier
one single shot.
If you were a vampire, Jared,
would you even notice the difference.
When was the last time you looked in a mirror
and saw something you recognized.
They say that a day in the arms of a loved one
can feel like an instant.
The opposite is also true.
How long have these 23 years dragged on.
Does it feel like a lifetime yet,
Do you feel immortal yet.
would you even notice the difference.
When was the last time you looked in a mirror
and saw something you recognized.
They say that a day in the arms of a loved one
can feel like an instant.
The opposite is also true.
How long have these 23 years dragged on.
Does it feel like a lifetime yet,
Do you feel immortal yet.
You have always been my Frankenstein, Jared
built out of spare parts
by a half mad doctor
more concerned with creating life
than potential consequences.
He gave you up for adoption.
You are so strong, Jared,
able to bear with your stitched together muscles
and your stitched together heart
more than any man was meant to.
built out of spare parts
by a half mad doctor
more concerned with creating life
than potential consequences.
He gave you up for adoption.
You are so strong, Jared,
able to bear with your stitched together muscles
and your stitched together heart
more than any man was meant to.
When the villagers came
with pitchfork and torch for Frankenstein,
he ran. Why didn’t you run Jared?
Why did you stay, why weren’t you strong enough
To just let them burn.
with pitchfork and torch for Frankenstein,
he ran. Why didn’t you run Jared?
Why did you stay, why weren’t you strong enough
To just let them burn.
You used to call me your guardian angel.
I think this is true now
our halos are forged of what makes us holy.
Mine is made of tiny spinning images of your face Jared.
of your belief in me.
My wings are formed out of every letter you wrote me
Even the one I pretended not to read.
You were always my second family Jared
Let me return the favor.
Follow my voice,
let me hold you like you used to hold me,
I think this is true now
our halos are forged of what makes us holy.
Mine is made of tiny spinning images of your face Jared.
of your belief in me.
My wings are formed out of every letter you wrote me
Even the one I pretended not to read.
You were always my second family Jared
Let me return the favor.
Follow my voice,
let me hold you like you used to hold me,
I am waiting.
I know it’s selfish,
but I hope it doesn’t take too long
I miss you.
I know it’s selfish,
but I hope it doesn’t take too long
I miss you.
 |
| one of those women with beautiful, beautiful mind rest in peace, Maya... |
"Thomas Wolfe warned in the title of America’s great novel that ‘You Can’t Go Home Again.’ I enjoyed the book but I never agreed with the title. I believe that one can never leave home. I believe that one carries the shadows, the dreams, the fears and dragons of home under one’s skin, at the extreme corners of one’s eyes and possibly in the gristle of the earlobe.
Home is that youthful region where a child is the only real living inhabitant. Parents, siblings, and neighbors, are mysterious apparitions, who come, go, and do strange unfathomable things in and around the child, the region’s only enfranchised citizen.
[…]
I am convinced that most people do not grow up. We find parking spaces and honor our credit cards. We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulation of years in our bodies and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are still innocent and shy as magnolias.
We may act sophisticated and worldly but I believe we feel safest when we go inside ourselves and find home, a place where we belong and maybe the only place we really do."